Little update.
Have far too much time on my hands now that I’m over an hour early for work. Not much to report other than I’m exhausted and ready to take the bus back the fuck home. Been having a couple bouts with depression lately, but nothing related to dysphoria or anything like that.
Been on Facebook more than usual because of wedding things. Plus I’m kind of lazy in texting and/or otherwise communicating with the bride. Best to decision to make my job to “prevent me from exploding in a poof of estrogen and glitter”, right? Anyway, it’s making me want to update little things here and there - primarily my picture. Right now, the one I have is from when I was 60 pounds heavier and trying much harder to be feminine for my then-boyfriend. Typically, I wouldn’t care about these things, but I’m getting to a point where I’m tired of hiding.
It seems kind of quick for me to get to that point, but I’m kind of an all-or-nothing person. When I make a decision, I want it to be final. Over and done with as quickly as possible. With something like gender identity, it’s not that easy I’ve taken my gender off my profile, but I’m not quite ready to label myself male there. A new picture would be a good step, but only when I have a binder. That’s sort of my first big milestone.
Just looked at the binder I want at Underworks.
Turns out it’s only $30 (until you add shipping). I can’t really justify buying it any time soon, but knowing it’s cheaper than I remembered is awesome.
My birthday is coming up in less than two weeks. If anyone gifts me money, I’ll buy one and then hate myself because my bills are still piling up. But it’ll be one less expense for the wedding which is now slated for mid-January.
What if someone were to just buy it as a birthday gift instead?
Then I would have to demand that person come back to AC so I can ravish them over pasta and meatballs.
And that cake thing.
Just looked at the binder I want at Underworks.
Turns out it’s only $30 (until you add shipping). I can’t really justify buying it any time soon, but knowing it’s cheaper than I remembered is awesome.
My birthday is coming up in less than two weeks. If anyone gifts me money, I’ll buy one and then hate myself because my bills are still piling up. But it’ll be one less expense for the wedding which is now slated for mid-January.
Anonymous wrote:To be honest, I completely forgot what this was in reference to when I finally read it. I blame seven and a half hours at work for blanking my brain.
At this point, I don’t know how to feel. I have too many days of feeling inadequate and “not trans enough” to justify the idea of recognizing anything. I don’t feel like I’m taking a stand for anything. I haven’t really faced any kind of adversity since I’ve unofficially come out. Not that I’ll never face it, but that’s not the point.
I appreciate the sentiment, but all of today I’ve just felt like I should give this up and just accept the fact that I’m a girl.
Except I’m not.
Really wishing I had a binder today.
Wearing a bra without the extra padding just isn’t working for me anymore, not that I really expected it to in the first place. Of course, the giant fucking pink bow in the middle isn’t helping either.
Pretty sure this is just an extension of my mom’s comments yesterday. I know that my mom had a third child because she wanted a girl - that was her dream. Well, she got me, and she blames my dad for making me the “tomboy” that I turned out to be. So, who is she going to blame when I tell her I’m trans?
Ever since I gained autonomy of any kind, nothing has ever been my decision. Everything is a result of someone else’s vile influence on me. I have a feeling she’ll blame my friendship with Crow or something else completely ridiculous. I don’t know. I just want to put off that conversation as long as I can right now.
Decided to stop shaving altogether.
Probably still going to attack my eyebrows once in a while because I am a vain fucker, but shaving is just extra shower time I don’t need. Plus I think it’ll help the dysphoria, at least a little bit.
Big Gay Jay and his Closet: Unpleasant Surprise
Today, I had a conversation with my mom during my break at work. I told her about my decision to wear a suit instead of a dress to my friend’s wedding - a wedding in which I will be a member of the bridal party. My mom doesn’t know about my new identity yet, and for now I’m not especially…
Weddings are almost always complicated by the fact that everyone wants it to somehow be about them, instead of the two people getting married—so I think that maybe your mom decided that she wants them to not let you wear a suit because that would be what she would do, even though this wedding isn’t hers. I saw a lot of this sort of stuff at my friend’s wedding back in November; the bride and groom accepting some change or alteration, with no problem at all, and someone else getting offended by it. ARRRGHH. If the bride & groom are down with it, so should everybody else. Cos it’s their wedding, not everyone else’s.
Anyways. I’m glad your friend is awesome and that both parties are totally down with you wearing a suit. When is their wedding, and are you wearing a vest with said suit?
I love suits with vests. And pocket watches.
Not sure when the wedding is yet or if I’ll be wearing a three-piece. A lot of this is dependent upon whether or not I have a binder when the time comes to buy the suit. Anything that conceals my chest and hips (what little there are) would be awesome. Jess also suggested a fedora, which I am totally fucking down for.
Unpleasant Surprise
Today, I had a conversation with my mom during my break at work. I told her about my decision to wear a suit instead of a dress to my friend’s wedding - a wedding in which I will be a member of the bridal party. My mom doesn’t know about my new identity yet, and for now I’m not especially comfortable telling her. However, I thought it would be a good idea to just break her into the idea that these are the type of choices I might make.
I prefaced the decision by telling her that Jess is totally okay with the decision and is more than willing to accommodate me. Instead of being supportive or at least indifferent, my mom told me that I would ruin Jess’ wedding and that she shouldn’t be making a concession like that for me or giving me special treatment.
I could see that sort of mentality if I wanted to wear a t-shirt and jeans or some shit, but how, exactly, am I ruining someone’s wedding by wearing a suit? Especially when the bride in question was perfectly okay with the idea? I don’t know. Today was otherwise good, but that sort of killed my enthusiasm.