Big Gay Jay and his Closet

Little update.

Sat, 26 May 2012 09:14:54 -0400

Have far too much time on my hands now that I’m over an hour early for work. Not much to report other than I’m exhausted and ready to take the bus back the fuck home. Been having a couple bouts with depression lately, but nothing related to dysphoria or anything like that.

Been on Facebook more than usual because of wedding things. Plus I’m kind of lazy in texting and/or otherwise communicating with the bride. Best to decision to make my job to “prevent me from exploding in a poof of estrogen and glitter”, right? Anyway, it’s making me want to update little things here and there - primarily my picture. Right now, the one I have is from when I was 60 pounds heavier and trying much harder to be feminine for my then-boyfriend. Typically, I wouldn’t care about these things, but I’m getting to a point where I’m tired of hiding.

It seems kind of quick for me to get to that point, but I’m kind of an all-or-nothing person. When I make a decision, I want it to be final. Over and done with as quickly as possible. With something like gender identity, it’s not that easy I’ve taken my gender off my profile, but I’m not quite ready to label myself male there. A new picture would be a good step, but only when I have a binder. That’s sort of my first big milestone.

azerothadventurer:

Sat, 26 May 2012 09:01:36 -0400

azerothadventurer:

nolisuniverse: New Shots: Ahmed Photo: Nolis Styling: Ryan...

Fri, 25 May 2012 04:51:20 -0400

nolisuniverse:

New Shots: Ahmed

Photo: Nolis

Styling: Ryan Gola

Just looked at the binder I want at Underworks.

Thu, 24 May 2012 19:50:37 -0400

lady-vakarian:

biggayjay:

Turns out it’s only $30 (until you add shipping). I can’t really justify buying it any time soon, but knowing it’s cheaper than I remembered is awesome.

My birthday is coming up in less than two weeks. If anyone gifts me money, I’ll buy one and then hate myself because my bills are still piling up. But it’ll be one less expense for the wedding which is now slated for mid-January.

What if someone were to just buy it as a birthday gift instead?

Then I would have to demand that person come back to AC so I can ravish them over pasta and meatballs.

And that cake thing.

Just looked at the binder I want at Underworks.

Thu, 24 May 2012 09:44:53 -0400

Turns out it’s only $30 (until you add shipping). I can’t really justify buying it any time soon, but knowing it’s cheaper than I remembered is awesome.

My birthday is coming up in less than two weeks. If anyone gifts me money, I’ll buy one and then hate myself because my bills are still piling up. But it’ll be one less expense for the wedding which is now slated for mid-January.

likestarstonight: olan rogers being dapper

Thu, 24 May 2012 09:20:24 -0400

likestarstonight:

olan rogers being dapper

itsalltemporary: justsayitinthemoment: kateordie: Erika...

Thu, 24 May 2012 04:49:40 -0400

itsalltemporary:

justsayitinthemoment:

kateordie:

Erika Moen
Queer

Erika for President.

This rocks

So great!

Photo

Wed, 23 May 2012 19:12:59 -0400

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Wed, 23 May 2012 14:09:42 -0400

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Wed, 23 May 2012 09:25:12 -0400

Photo

Wed, 23 May 2012 04:51:06 -0400

Parents can be like that. They will look for any excuse to explain something they cannot understand. It is not your fault for being who you are. Your mom should at least admire that you are taking a stand for yourself. The only thing that has changed is the fact that you recognize who you are now. You are still an amazing person. That will never change.

Tue, 22 May 2012 21:58:39 -0400

To be honest, I completely forgot what this was in reference to when I finally read it. I blame seven and a half hours at work for blanking my brain.

At this point, I don’t know how to feel. I have too many days of feeling inadequate and “not trans enough” to justify the idea of recognizing anything. I don’t feel like I’m taking a stand for anything. I haven’t really faced any kind of adversity since I’ve unofficially come out. Not that I’ll never face it, but that’s not the point.

I appreciate the sentiment, but all of today I’ve just felt like I should give this up and just accept the fact that I’m a girl.

Except I’m not.

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Tue, 22 May 2012 19:14:43 -0400

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Tue, 22 May 2012 14:24:03 -0400

Really wishing I had a binder today.

Tue, 22 May 2012 11:05:51 -0400

Wearing a bra without the extra padding just isn’t working for me anymore, not that I really expected it to in the first place. Of course, the giant fucking pink bow in the middle isn’t helping either.

Pretty sure this is just an extension of my mom’s comments yesterday. I know that my mom had a third child because she wanted a girl - that was her dream. Well, she got me, and she blames my dad for making me the “tomboy” that I turned out to be. So, who is she going to blame when I tell her I’m trans?

Ever since I gained autonomy of any kind, nothing has ever been my decision. Everything is a result of someone else’s vile influence on me. I have a feeling she’ll blame my friendship with Crow or something else completely ridiculous. I don’t know. I just want to put off that conversation as long as I can right now.

Decided to stop shaving altogether.

Tue, 22 May 2012 10:44:00 -0400

Probably still going to attack my eyebrows once in a while because I am a vain fucker, but shaving is just extra shower time I don’t need. Plus I think it’ll help the dysphoria, at least a little bit.

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Tue, 22 May 2012 08:02:50 -0400

lady-vakarian: Big Gay Jay and his Closet: Unpleasant Surprise biggayjay: Today, I had a...

Mon, 21 May 2012 22:09:25 -0400

lady-vakarian:

Big Gay Jay and his Closet: Unpleasant Surprise

biggayjay:

Today, I had a conversation with my mom during my break at work. I told her about my decision to wear a suit instead of a dress to my friend’s wedding - a wedding in which I will be a member of the bridal party. My mom doesn’t know about my new identity yet, and for now I’m not especially…

Weddings are almost always complicated by the fact that everyone wants it to somehow be about them, instead of the two people getting married—so I think that maybe your mom decided that she wants them to not let you wear a suit because that would be what she would do, even though this wedding isn’t hers. I saw a lot of this sort of stuff at my friend’s wedding back in November; the bride and groom accepting some change or alteration, with no problem at all, and someone else getting offended by it. ARRRGHH. If the bride & groom are down with it, so should everybody else. Cos it’s their wedding, not everyone else’s.

Anyways. I’m glad your friend is awesome and that both parties are totally down with you wearing a suit. When is their wedding, and are you wearing a vest with said suit? ~~I love suits with vests. And pocket watches.~~

Not sure when the wedding is yet or if I’ll be wearing a three-piece. A lot of this is dependent upon whether or not I have a binder when the time comes to buy the suit. Anything that conceals my chest and hips (what little there are) would be awesome. Jess also suggested a fedora, which I am totally fucking down for.

euphoricfixation: Chris Evans

Mon, 21 May 2012 21:10:45 -0400

euphoricfixation:

Chris Evans

downeastandout: A strong case in favor of the beige suit.

Mon, 21 May 2012 19:59:21 -0400

downeastandout:

A strong case in favor of the beige suit.